My Strange(ly Hairless) Addic(k)tion

by Naiya PK

Interview with Punano Di Calvo, director of the new off-broadway hit musical “Calvaret”.

N: So Mr. Di Calvo, can you tell me about the plot of your musical?

P: Certainly, certainly. It's about a man who is addicted to buying bald caps, and eventually the bald caps begin to take over his life. He is obsessed with bald people in a very sexual way, and makes everyone around him wear bald caps. By the end of the musical, he has inhaled so many latex fumes that he begins to hallucinate bald people everywhere!

N: Wow, that’s intense! What inspired you to create this story?

P: Right, well….hmm. “Create” is a strong word! I mean, you know what they say about writers getting inspiration from real life. [long pause] 

It all started during grad school–that was when the situation first arose. In this case the “situation” was my penis, and it could only rise for baldness. I see that look on your face–please let me explain! 

N: Oh, no I’m not judging you Mr. Di Calvo. Please, continue!

P: Okay. Well, at the time I was in a polyamorous relationship with one man and one she/they, and everything was going great… UNTIL. Until. Until we decided to take that damned improv class. All three of us in my polycule wore these bald caps for a skit we were doing, where we were acting out what would happen if Gru from Despicable Me got lost in a funhouse mirror maze. The second I saw my partners bald I began drooling and almost fainted, they looked SO. SEXY. I remember it all so clearly still! I kissed their rubbery heads that smelled like latex– such a sensual smell– and felt a rush. As the skit went on, in front of the whole class, I realized there was a DIRE situation in my pants. Every time I looked at my partners’ shiny smooth rubbery heads I forgot my lines, and felt inexplicably strong desire. After the show we had a threesome, bald caps on, bushes out, and when I came I genuinely met God and thanked her. She was bald and beautiful….[Di Calvo takes a long pause, lost in memory, smiling to himself]

N: That is…really awesome. So, how does this align with the twists and turns in “Calvaret”?

P: Well, I liked the bald caps too much. I began asking them to wear the caps every time we got freaky…at a certain point, I realized I couldn’t get turned on by anything except baldness!! My girlf and boyf started complaining, saying their hair follicles got sweaty under the thick rubber, and asking me “why do you want us bald? You don’t think our natural hair is sexy anymore?” I remember coming home on New Year’s Eve, and they were waiting for me in the kitchen. They said that if the bald fetish continued they would break up with me.  “Why?” I said, crying. My she/they girlfriend screamed in response, “Because I want to be a hair model, and your weird fetish is giving me dandruff!” “Yeah, and Punano, it’s making me scared of the male pattern baldness that runs in my family! I’m gonna go bald in like 10 years anyways. I don’t want to cover up my last few years of rocking a chic fade!” I could tell my boyfriend was also very upset. “The only reason we haven’t broken up with you yet is because you have a really good ket plug. But we can find another one if it means we never have to wear a bald cap again!” 

N: I remember hearing that dialogue in your musical. It’s so interesting that it came from real life! Like, they deadass verbatim said that?

P: Yeah. And then, just like the storyline in “Calvaret”, they kicked me out of the house. I never saw them again. [Di Calvo wipes away a tear]. The only thing that reminded me of them was the smell of latex bald caps. That smell got me through my depression– and it also got me high! Like genuinely, I wasn’t just sexually addicted to bald caps, but chemically addicted to their fumes. I went to rehab for a while…

N: So you got clean? 

P: Uhhh…it doesn’t matter. Do you want me to finish the story or not? 

N: Yes of course.

P: So, eventually, I went back to that improv class which started all my problems. I went on a rant to the owners about how much trouble that first improv class had caused me. I guess it turned into kind of a theatrical monologue, because as soon as I was done talking, the entire theater gave me a standing ovation. And that is how I found my life’s purpose! That night I did a lot of cocaine and wrote the entirety of “Calvaret”. The musical became successful, and now all the baldies want me to date them. I’m rich– in both a fiscal way and a frisky way! 

[Right after saying this, Punano Di Calvo got a call that he had to take. His face looked confused as he hung up the phone. Then, before he could say another word, two bald men in pink jumpsuits ran into the room, grabbed him, and dragged him into a white van parked outside. I made some investigative calls, and apparently he had been robbing the local wig store of all their bald caps for years! None of the local children were able to dress up as Megamind. How despicable! Also, he never paid taxes at any point in his entire life– but who are we to judge him for that…like, in this economy??] 

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