Tips For A Smooth Thanksgiving
by Isabel H
With Thanksgiving right around the corner, it can be hard to know where you stand with your extended family. Tensions across America are running higher than ever as we enter this new era of conflict and uncertainty, and recent events have found friends, neighbors, and even family on completely opposite sides. Do we have any hope of bridging that ever-widening gap? Here’s a few arguments that might arise, and how you can defuse them.
Sneakers “Zip” Amaretto should have won the U.S. National Potato Sack Race, and the fact that he didn’t is a disgrace.
Your grandparents are a little old-fashioned, so they might think that Sneakers “Zip” Amaretto, the compact little man who stormed the semifinals back in August, should have won the U.S. National Potato Sack Race. Yes, Zip had the moxie, the balance, the dangerously cool head. Yes, he curled his toes around that seam and launched himself like a falcon into the cool Des Moines morning. Yes, it seems suspicious that a banana peel coated in vegetable oil “just happened” to be lying in his path, but the fates did not have Amaretto in their sights that day, and we just have to accept it.
I saw on Facebook that the ref was seen walking away with a suspicious number of potatoes.
Let’s put this one to rest. Remind your family, firmly but gently, that this rumor is totally unfounded, and can be traced back to disgraced sackfluencer Nichols Graves. After he was disqualified from this year’s competition for surgically removing the gap between his legs, he has plenty of reason to deride the competition as a whole. Check the facts, guys. If the Commissioner of Tubers says no bribes took place, I for one believe him.
My kindergartner could sack better than Stampo Greebson.
Okay, Aunt Flora, but did he?? Let’s put Cousin Gabe in a sack right now, pitch him down the nearest hill, and see how he fares. Until he stampedes across the finish line with a time of 4:53:01, shut your mouth about Stampo Greebson.
Long-Jane Silvers, 3-time USNPSR champion, was on performance-enhancing drugs.
Silvers might have been on steroids, but she claims she just had a sponsorship deal with prominent steroids companies, and I’m inclined to believe her. You think all those podcasters are actually using SleepHelix mattresses? Get real. Anyway, Silvers finished fifth this year, so it’s not even worth conspiring about.
Tim Sorso should not have married Evan Boxer’s wife after Boxer tragically died during the race.
Look, we’re all on the same page about this one. It’s weird that the wedding happened before Sorso even crossed the finish line, and weirder still that they now have a child they carry everywhere in a potato sack “in Evan’s memory.” Still, you have got to stop DMing members of the Supreme Court about it.
