I Opened Wizer Training
By: Natalie Frank, Contributor
I did it. I took a bullet for the team. I opened the Oberlin's Cybersecurity Awareness Training. I know it sounds like a waste of time, but President Ambar personally promised me the password to a 2006 iPod Nano if I completed it, and who am I to turn that down?
Here’s everything that happened when I opened the Wizer Training:
My computer opened a virus.
It instantly set Yahoo to my default browser and opened sixteen tabs of tummy-taming shapewear advertisements. Whenever I try to open a new tab, I get a pop-up telling me to go fuck myself.
My computer started cyberbullying my younger sister.
Without my fingers so much as twitching for the keyboard, strings of vitriolic and really personal insults began commenting on my sister’s TikTok page. Now it’s going after her skateboarding boyfriend Derek. Help!
Wizer took me out to dinner.
Wizer asked to pick me up at 7pm. I said 8, let me have time to get ready. They picked me up outside Stevie and drove us to 1868 Restaurant or whatever that restaurant is called. I reached for the chair, but they stopped me, pulling out my chair for me and tucking my napkin in the neckline of my dress. Over the course of the meal, Wizer wined and dined me, laughing at all my stupid jokes and telling me that I was prettier than all the other girls. Wizer paid for our $50 meal and walked me to that weird little sculpture outside the Science Center. They asked if they could kiss me. I said it was too soon. We hugged. It was the best day of my life.
My computer directed me to the Vector Hazing Prevention Training I still haven’t completed.
I’m having my degree prematurely revoked if I don’t complete it next week.
My computer went to Instagram Reels and wasted 4.5 hours swiping on videos of parakeets making snacks for their family of 5 and Lego Ninjago thirst trap edits.
What a waste of time, especially when I could have been on Blackboard turning in my completed response paper.
Wizer hazed me.
Wizer hit me on the back of the head until I slumped unconscious over my keyboard before dragging me to this dark, bitter-smelling basement and pouring kombucha in my mouth while whispering “free iPad” in my ear.
SIKE.
Unlike the rest of you nerds, I know better than that. The Wizer Training is a test by Oberlin College. If I open it, I’ll be opening a strange link that I don’t know and thus failing the covert operation I’ve surely been assigned.
