Going Over the Oscar Nominees for Best Picture
By: LJ Katch, Contributor
Veggie Tales: Into the Veggieverse
Since the start of the live-action adaptation fad of the 2010s, fans have been dying to see Veggie Tales in real life. In 2023, their prayers were answered. Into the Veggieverse not only satiated fans’ hunger for more veggie content with hyperrealistic CGI veggies, it also introduced countless veggie-universes for the characters to explore. Hop in the quantum blender and explore this smoothie of a multiverse with your favorite cast of god-fearing veggies!
Met to great fan success, the film has also become a critical success for its “surprisingly complex” portrayal of religious questioning, trauma, and acceptance.
“In the Veggieverse,” director James Cameron explains. “Every world has veggies who believe in different faiths. You have Jewish veggies, Hindu veggies, Muslim veggies, Scientologist veggies. And when they interact, you get to see how they react when their faiths are tested.”
Chris Pratt, voice actor for Bob the Tomato, told the Grape: “This was my first time getting into serious acting, and it was life changing. Sometimes I wake up and I think I’m a tomato. It was really scary at first, but now it kind of turns me on.” At this point we asked Chris Pratt to exit the room.
An Unhinged Door: My Erotica
An Unhinged Door is currently the favorite to win Best Picture, and by all means I have to agree. The film takes a deep look into the depravity of the human body through a bombardment of unfocused closeups on parts most people didn’t even know existed. My blog has called it “easily the best (and sexiest movie) of the year,” and commenter submi$$ive_sh33ple replied “heyyyyy ;) did u have a thing w/ my cousin?”
“Movies like this don’t come out every month,” I said over Instagram DMs to the Grape. “I only post on my OnlyFans every two months. This is challenging, deeply arousing stuff we’re talking about.”
Along with Best Cinematography, I have also been nominated for Best Actor for my role as Franklin Delano Roosevelt, when I unfortunately could not get FDR to agree to wear cat ears, both because he is deceased and because the white house threatened to sue me for asking.
The film has reportedly made two Academy members pass out while watching it and a third come out as a furry. The Academy is considering canceling the Oscars due to the amount of Academy members who have been incapacitated by sickness since viewing.
What if Doing a Line of Coke Let You Eat the Multiverse?
Christopher Nolan’s hit new film What if Doing a Line of Coke Let You Eat the Multiverse? is the popular vote for this year. The film follows a very hungry Leonardo DiCaprio who does a line of coke and swallows the entire multiverse. From inside, disgraced Iraq veteran Joseph Gordon Levitt must assemble a team to trigger DiCaprio’s gag reflex and save the universe from digestive horror. Characteristic of Nolan’s style, the film contains plenty of high concept elements, such as enzymes that break down Levitt’s memories of his dead wife.
“I actually thought of the movie while doing a line of coke,” Nolan wrote to the Grape over email. “I was doing a line of coke and I got very hungry and all of the sudden I thought ‘what if I could eat the whole universe?’ So I called up Joey and was like ‘are we doing this or not?’” When asked if the universe would be sweet or salty, Nolan replied salty.
The film also caused serious controversy when Christopher Nolan pulled out a firearm and threatened to shoot a VFX artist who suggested using CGI for a scene where a white blood cell unhinges its jaw and engulfs Harry Styles (played by himself). The VFX artist went missing that night. When asked about his whereabouts, Levitt told the press “maybe the guy bit off more than he could chew, ya know”, and started laughing maniacally.
“Guillotine” [in a french accent]
“Guillotine” [in a french accent] is coming in strong as the indie darling of the awards season, threatening to win Greta Gerwig not just her first Best Picture win, but her first Best Director. Al Pacino and Meryl Streep play off of each other in the coming of age movie of the century. Set in high school, Streep plays an awkward lesbian who’s not sure if scissoring is a thing or not, and Pacino plays a confident trans masc ready to show her what life has in store.
Critics are raving over the nuance of the film, the LA Times called it “the most confusing thing since sliced bread,” a review which was presciently written just days before Noah Baumbach announced his next movie about two slices of bread getting a divorce.
“I think more than anything this movie is about innocence,” Gerwig said. “And what better way to contrast that with some of the most established actors in Hollywood? But they have things to learn too.”
“I still don’t know how to tie my shoes,” Pacino told the press on Friday.
