Ask Dr. Gags

Dear Dr. Gags,

My girlfriend and I started dating a few months ago, but she has recently become more comfortable around me and developed an odd fetish…for my farts. Whenever she gets a whiff, she gets the hots for me. At first it was funny, but now I don’t know what to do! I’m on the co-op dining plan, so, you get the picture. Lentils and beans for every meal, and then immediately afterwards, while I’m still digesting, she smells my toots and takes off her boots! I love the sex, but I want her to want me for something besides my beautiful farts. I have a personality!

Please send advice ASAP,

Greta Jizzler

My dearest Greta, 

Sweetie, in my profession we call them Gas Guzzlers! People like your girlfriend are a lot more common than you might think. As for how to work through the Gas Guzzling, here’s the deal. You have to close all the windows in your room, eat a bunch of Mexican food, and fart it all out. Your gas will become trapped in there, and eventually your girlfriend will go nose blind to the smell of your farts. Once she can't smell the thing that turns her on, she’ll start to notice all the other things she finds sexy about you, such as your winning personality or your great butt! Once her eyes are open to you and past the allure of your farts, she won’t even want to return to her fetish (unless you two choose to engage in fart-play, which I would advise against, as she might relapse into a Gas Guzzler). Best of luck darlin’, and stay fartin’!

XOXO, Gagatha

Dear Dr. Gags,

OH MY GOD this is the worst day of my life. I am DISTRAUGHT. Please help me Ms. Gagatha McCreampie. It pains me to even say it– but my favorite boyfriend in my polycule has been secretly dry humping his Darth Vader body pillow. I awoke last night, lying in bed next to him, to a sound like a hamster screaming. I turned around to see where it had come from, and I saw my favorite boyfriend stifling his moans as he humped Darth Vader! I went back to sleep but I don’t know what to do! Should I talk to him about it? Should I confiscate the pillow? I need to be the only object of his affections!!!

Love (without humps),

Dipsy Nerdiluv 

Darling Dipsy,

Boy oh boy, I’ve truly never heard of such an upsetting case! I really can’t believe a human being could do such disrespect to Vader’s memory! Like, best villain ever, hello?? But honey, the real question is this: is a boyfriend who’s into helmet sex really worth your time? If you really still want him, then here’s how to regain his affections. First, shave your head completely, like a shiny egg, then put on a brand spankin’ new helmet. Hide under his bed and when he comes home, surprise him! He’ll be so taken with your new look, that he will undoubtedly get rid of that Vader pillow, and only have affections for you. On a side note, please tell him to leave the Vader pillow near the dumpster behind my office, in a clearly marked bag. Happy humping sweetie! 

Lots of smooches, Gags