Point/Counterpoint: Chappell Roan Is Coming to Solarity

Isabel H

Illustration by Amit E

For once and for all, the Grape set out to answer the question on everyone’s mind: is Chappell Roan coming to Solarity this year? To investigate, we asked some die-hard Solarappell Roan believers, as well as a couple naysaying Solaritruthers. To protect the privacy of all involved, we’ve compiled the most frequently-cited answers here.

Point: Chappell Roan is coming to Solarity. They got her under contract before she blew up and she’s definitely coming. My friend Tyler’s private Instagram story wouldn’t lie to me. Not now. Not about this.

Counterpoint: Obviously, Chappell Roan is not coming to Solarity. Solarity is for smoking not that much weed but still getting really scared while standing with your roommate’s boyfriend in the unbelievably damp Heisman Field House, and then leaving and discovering that someone stole your bag that you had to stash under a bush so you’re going to have to go to Wal-Mart tomorrow to buy your fifth dongle this month. Nowhere does Chappell Roan fit into this equation.

Point: Chappell Roan was big at Oberlin before basically anyone knew who she was. I’m pretty sure people were doing the Hot to Go dance at the Sco while everyone else was still doing the YMCA dance. Chappell Roan was born here and she will die here, at Solarity of this year, directly following an OCircus unicycle reenactment of her Jimmy Fallon interview.

Counterpoint: Guys. Let’s be realistic. Solarity is for smoking a very small amount of weed but still getting high enough to tell everyone in earshot that you lost your cat, and that the only way to get your cat back is if the student DJ lets you on stage to “hammer one out.” Chappell Roan will not be there.

Point: When Chappell Roan comes to Solarity, do you think she’ll come to my co-op dinner? I head cook on Tuesdays, and I know Solarity is not traditionally held on a Tuesday, but I think if Chappell wants to come early and hang it would be really cool. I could make sure we still have chocolate milk and that Cecelia G. doesn’t drink it all the day it comes in. 

Counterpoint: Solarity is for genuinely taking one eighth of a bong hit and bringing your own Boggle set to the show, and it’s like, jumbo Boggle. And you chicken out of getting a Boggle game going, but everyone can see that you’re trying to hide a jumbo Boggle set under your shirt while CupcakKe performs. But your grip isn’t very good because your hands are sweaty, and all your Boggle dice fall on the ground and it’s so loud it drowns out CupcakKe for a minute. 

Point: When Chappell Roan comes to Solarity, I hope she plays “Pink Pony Club.”