I KNOW ONE OF YOU FUCKERS CAN DRIVE ME AND MY SICK HORSE TO NEW YORK OVER SPRING BREAK, SO STOP IGNORING MY EMAILS
By: Flip Ptarmigan, Outraged Equestrian
Look, it’s not a big ask! Neither me or my horse can drive, and my budget for this trip is $25.50, but I know for a fact that over half of you are going to New York anyway, so it should be no problem to add a few more passengers. My horse does not take up a lot of space because he likes to keep his head out the window, so only half of his actual body will be in the car at any given time. This is a no-brainer rideshare situash, so please respond to my emails indicating which day you are driving to New York and I will decide who is going at the most convenient time.
I know what you’re thinking: why don’t you just ride the horse? As I have clearly stated, he is sick with horse-sitting-down disease, and he needs my 24/7 attention. Also, he doesn’t have EZ-Pass, and I’m sure a lot of you do, so that would make things way easier for me and my horse. In case you’re still on the fence, here’s some facts about my horse!
Name: Willis
Age: 18 in horse years
Likes: me <3
Dislikes: most other people
Fun Fact: Willis hates music so, so much, and if he hears any music at all, he will kick out the windows of whatever vehicle he happens to be in at the moment.
We would also really appreciate it if all the stops were at gas stations that have the buckets of water at horse height, like the ones they put out for Amish people, so my horse can refuel when we do! I understand that you might be worried about how Willis will use the bathroom when we’re on the road, since he needs to pee about eight times more than a person or a normal horse. Not to worry! When Willis needs to go, he can simply maneuver his outrageous horse dick out the open window and let loose. This is one of the first things I trained him to do when my parents bought me a profoundly infirm horse for our Brooklyn apartment.
There are tons of great reasons to drive me and my horse to New York. For instance, I once saw a YouTube Short where a horse rescued its owner from a burning car crash! If you get into an accident on the way there or back, I’m sure Willis would love to help out. If you crash your car and there’s no horse in the backseat, you’ll just die a long and painful death, and the ambulance will come and take you to the hospital but it’ll be too late! And then your bereaved parents will have to pay a huge hospital bill, and they’ll cry at your funeral if only he/she/they had a horse in the car! Then none of this would have happened. So keep this in mind the next time you blatantly ignore my 7-10 emails about horse transportation.
My horse has been very homesick in my divided double in East, and really wants to see all his friends. Please help make this happen for my horse! If you are not going to New York for spring break but want to support my mission, you can post on the social media of your choice with the hashtag #BRINGWILLISHOME.
