Use This Trash Talk

by Max M

To play basketball, you need to be quick on your feet - both physically and in regards to wit. Not everybody is gifted with a sharp tongue, and for that unlucky group, I have concocted a sort of trash talk cheat-sheet. I consider myself something of a trash-talk expert. (When I was six years old, I kicked my cousin in the nuts and he cried. I guess it’s not trash talk but I made him cry either way so it counts.) Anyway, I have a lot of authority on the topic, and this is the banter I have had the most success with. I hope it proves a valuable resource. Study up, and use at your own peril.

• “You’re not very good at basketball”

• “I just peed myself and it's your fault”

• “Who taught you to play? Mr. Penis?”

• “I have a gun”

• “We should pretend we’re the two guys from Challengers”

• “I imagine you were very frustrating to raise”

• For someone wearing blue: “Blue is NOT your color” (You could try on this on someone who’s not wearing blue but I don’t know if it would work as well)

• “You remind me of Lena Dunham”

• “If you beat me I’m killing myself”

• “It’s just… things have been really hard at home…” (Then run hard to the hoop for a layup)

• “Have you considered becoming a Jehovah’s Witness?”

• “If I could fart on command I’d let out a stinky one”

• “Let’s play in the nude. Like the ancient Greeks. Small penis style”

• “Cut the crap. Let’s explore each other’s bodies”