Get to Know the Republican Presidential Candidates
By: Edie Carey, Rhys Hals, Anna Wheeler, contributors
Edie Carey, Rhys Hals, and Anna Wheeler spoke to the top ten Republican presidential candidates to help inform your vote this November.
Name: John Randall
Occupation: Mayor and former city council chief
Hometown: Wichita, Kansas
Role model: Colin Powell
Top agenda items: Lower taxes, abolish the EPA, remove all books from elementary schools
Name: Chastity DuPrix
Occupation: Esthetician
Hometown: Beverly Hills, California
Role model: Margaret Thatcher
Top agenda items: God.
Name: Martin Birmingham
Occupation: State senator
Hometown: Richmond, Virginia
Role model: The statue of Ronald Reagan outside Washington National Airport in Arlington, Virginia
Top agenda items: School choice, close the border, end inflation
Name: Abraham H. Parnassus
Occupation: Brothel Accountant
Hometown: Hooker, Oklahoma
Role model: Lord Voldemort
Top agenda items: Criminalize sex and abort all poor babies
Name: Dick J. Reynolds
Occupation: Masseuse
Hometown: Cut and Shoot, Texas
Role model: Niccolò Machiavelli
Top agenda items: Provide firearms: “Teachers, babies, the mentally ill… hell, just give ‘em all guns. And reduce government spending.”
Name: Richard Nuthatch
Occupation: Oil tycoon
Hometown: Las Vegas, Nevada
Role model: Gargamel from The Smurfs.
Top agenda items: Unvaccinate everybody.
Name: Joe Sullivan
Occupation: Timber management firm CEO
Hometown: “That’s confidential”
Role model: Milton Friedman
Top agenda items: “I’d uhh, I’d really like to abolish the, uh, the government.”
Name: Jorge Mentose
Occupation: Head of animal shelter, Wall Street Investor, PTA Coordinator
Hometown: “Proud resident of Miami, Ohio. Going 25 years strong.”
Role model: RuPaul in Season 6, Episode 12 of RuPaul’s Drag Race
Top agenda items: Inflation, Safety, Taxes, Energy, Fracking
Name: Jessica Stein
Occupation: Small business owner (Theranos)
Hometown: Seneca Falls, New York
Role model: Gwenyth Paltrow. “I like her in Glee.”
Top agenda items: End women’s suffrage “as soon as possible”
Name: Jerry Butterworth
Occupation: CEO of Purdue Pharma
Hometown: La Jolla, California
Role model: Dr. Oz
Top agenda items: Remove carbon monoxide detectors from hospitals
